Dating Rules...

What Are the Rules to Dating?

I have no idea how all of this stuff is supposed to work.  Obviously I'm far from figuring it out because I've never really been in a real relationship and ask people 10 years younger than me for advice.  :)  But I just keep plugging along and hope that one of these days I'll be able to look back on these years and smile.

Remember Soccer Boy?  Yeah, he's still the person I've been going on dates with, but there is not much progress to report.  But that's what makes this all interesting... is that there is still a situation to analyze and think about, though nothing new is really blossoming, deepening, or expanding.  AKA... I haven't freaked out or given up.  Good for me.

#1. Physical Affection 

I don't have a rule about this, and I think that's why it's so confusing.  Some people feel strongly about kissing by the third date (or whatever) because you need to find out if there's chemistry.  Some people have dated their boy for months before ever kissing.  Some feel there is more value in kissing than hand-holding, or vice-versa.  Some girls won't ever make the first move and leave it up to the boy to take the initiative.  Some girls just go with it and think, "who cares?" and just jump right into it and take charge.  I don't know where I fit in.  I've been all of these people at some point and haven't really found a successful road.  The most recent road (over a year ago) was the "take the initiative" girl and the "I'll make the first move" girl and the "I love holding his hand AND kissing him" girl... and I probably shouldn't have done any of those things because I just got burned a month later.  I learned.  

And now I have no idea what to do, or what is "normal" for me.  

So in my current situation, there has been none of that.  Not even a "I thought he was going to hold my hand" or "I wish he would have kissed me" situation.  It's just like the physical stuff isn't involved at all... yet we're still spending time together and I like getting to know him.  So this can mean a few things:

#1.  I am his buddy and he isn't interested at all in dating or taking it to that level.

#2.  He is super respectful of my boundaries and is waiting to see if I'll initiate anything.

#3.  He senses my stiff awkwardness and doesn't want to scare me off.

#4.  He is patient and wants to get to know me better.

#5.  He is kissing other girls and therefore doesn't need me to fulfill that for him.  (I hope not!!)

I fear that over the past year, I have built up this huge wall of protection, similar to the fortifications Captain Moroni set up around the city Ammonihah in the Book of Mormon. (Alma ch. 50)  It wasn't just a wall around the city... it was a wall with like 5 different layers of other things on top of it to ensure that the people were totally protected and no harm could break through.  That must be what I have emotionally done to myself, and it will take a lot for me to trust and risk and slowly break down these layers.

It's not that I don't want to.  Because believe you me:  I want to be close to a boy and be able to cuddle up in his arms and feel safe and secure and happy.  But physically, that seems almost impossible, like I would never really do it!  And I wonder what it will take for me to prove myself wrong.

#2.  The Doorstep Scene 

Something positive about soccer boy is I've never suffered through an awkward, uncomfortable "goodnight" at the door.  He is kind enough to walk me up the 3 flights of stairs, we don't linger and chat and fumble around.  We just get there, finish our random little convo... he leans in to give me a hug and then begins walking down the stairs as I'm unlocking the door.  It's all very simple and comfortable.  I once kissed a boy just to escape an awkward good-bye, and regretted it as soon as he drove away. "Idiot!  Why did I do that?!"  Because I couldn't handle the awkwardness and wanted it to just be over, and I knew he wanted to kiss me.  Well now I definitely know I won't kiss a boy unless I really want to.  But this situation at hand is more like, "I wonder if he even wants to?"  *shrug*  But I don't stress over it and don't really worry about it.  

#3.  The Timing

How long do you spend time with a boy until something finally needs to be discussed about the relationship, or whatever it is that has developed?  My parents dated off and on for 5 years before they got married.  My brother met his future wife and proposed exactly 1 month later.  I am a strong believer that there is no set "time" on love or how you find it or know when you have it.  I just have never felt that way about anyone so still wonder how it all works.  I'm trying to avoid the "Soo... how do you feel about me?" conversation, but sometimes I wish it would just all come out at once so I don't have to continue analyzing and over-thinking things in my head.  But really, I'm quite patient for the time-being and seem to be okay with the slowness of it all.  

#4. Who's Court is the Ball In?

This one is a struggle for me because my natural self wants to take full control and invite, initiate, and follow-up, regardless of whether or not the boy has made the same effort.  If I want to hang out with him, I'll naturally want to make plans and set it up, rather than wait.  This is how I made a fool of myself a year ago and should've seen the signs sooner.  Cassity suggested I read "He's Just Not That Into You," which was a hilarious book and quite emotionally therapeutic.  (Much more realistic and helpful than the movie). 

Needless to say, if I've asked the boy on a date and we enjoy the night and have a good time... should I wait for him to make the next move?  Just chill to find out if he will make the effort to talk to me or see me again?  Or what if he is thinking the same thing... waiting to see if I'll call or text the next day to keep things rolling?  This one is hard for me.  I'm clueless. 

So anyway, tonight was a date, and it was fun.  I'm not super giddy or madly in love, but content with the opportunity to get to know him better and the ability to share a little about me and trust him with that.  I was already stressing over what I'm supposed to do now... wait for him to set the next date, wondering if he's even interested, confused about the lack of physical contact... 

...And then he sent me a text-- thanking me for a fun night and hoping I get some good sleep tonight.  

I'll take that as a positive sign and just keep living life one day at a time.