All or Nothing

My mom said something the other day that really stuck with me.  I've heard the term before but this time it really made sense.  All or Nothing.  I was telling my mom about my eating habits and how I'd just finished off a bag of mini donuts (personal weakness) and how I'd been sick for 2 weeks and the last thing I was worried about was eating healthy.  So bring on the cookies, frozen yogurt, cake, and brownies!  I'm sick and I'll eat whatever I want!  Of course, in this same conversation, I was complaining about my lack of running these days and how I need to get back on track.  I'm really a messed up, confused little person.  But that's when my mom said it:  "You seem to be an All or Nothing person."  Either I'm totally motivated and doing awesome with healthy goals... or I make one little mistake or eat one little treat and then I'm bulldozing piles of junk into my  body.  She didn't use those exact words to describe it, but those are my own.  And they're true.  :)  WHY are they so true... and HOW do I allow them to be true?!

I can go a whole day at work and be super disciplined and motivated to be healthy.  Maybe I went running that morning and had a healthy breakfast.  Then I carefully planned out my day of snacks and healthy lunch and dinner.  Then I get home from work around 8pm and BOOOOOM!!! I'm so hungry I lose all sense of control and eat everything that looks or sounds good to me.  And by midnight I'm thinking, "Crap, why did I do that... what a waste of a good day!"  And the cycle continues day after day, until finally I just wake up one day and think-- what's the point?-- and eat crap all day long just because.  And it's like a sense of rebelling against myself.  Oh yeah?  You don't think you'll eat that donut right there?  Watch me.  And mmmmm... it tastes SO good.  I might even eat another one.  And don't even ask me about trips to Red Mango, or the BYU mint brownies I attacked today.

And all this time, have I been running?  Hardly.  In the last 3 weeks I've gone running 3 times.  Probably a total of 11 miles, and that is a terrible confession.  Last year at this time (my Birthday) I asked for all running things-- bandannas, running socks, running shirts, etc.  I was totally on fire!  I was motivated and excited.  And I really WAS a runner.  Now when the topic of running comes up, I feel like a hypocrite, or like I'm faking it, or don't deserve to call myself a runner.  I know that's silly-- I can be a runner if I want to, even if I'm not running consistently.  I still like it!  I still WANT to do it.  I'm just terrible at staying motivated this year. I really DO seem to be All or Nothing.

But I'm ready for all of that to change.  Call it turning over a new leaf.  

I've been inspired by people who probably have no idea they've inspired me!

Case #1-- A friend who originally motivated me a year ago after I'd heard about her weight loss and her motivation to walk/run and stay on track with her goals.  It was awesome, and that's when I decided last year to make my own goals and be able to accomplish great things in 2010.  I did.  And I felt awesome.  This same friend kind of fell into her own slump but then somehow I became an inspiration for her and she's back in the game now.  She decided to join my Red Rock Relay team for St. George (in September) and she has been training and doing things at her own pace.  She started as a "non-runner" and now can totally celebrate her ability to run 1.5-2 miles without stopping, and I love her enthusiasm!  It's inspiring.  And she makes me want to be better.

Case #2-- Just tonight, my aunt reminded me of last summer when I'd told her about the "Couch to 5K" running program.  She said she hadn't actually used it, but she'd started running in the last few months.  She's also joined weight watchers and does her workouts with her husband, which she loves.  She's lost 25 lbs and has worked up the ability to run 1.5 miles.  Her goal is to run a 5K in May.  I know she can do it!

I LOVE these stories!!  And I love that people feel the need to tell me, since I might have been their original seed of inspiration.  And look at me now!  A big pile of laziness.  But the good thing is now THESE people are the ones motivating me.

What I realized tonight is that running is so great because it really is one big individual competition.  Sure, you can enter a race and run along side hundreds of other people to try to get first place.  But more commonly, and more importantly, you're really just racing against yourself and proving yourself wrong.  You prove to yourself that you can actually get up the next morning and run when you really didn't feel like it.  Or you ran 2 more minutes than you thought you could... or ran one more lap when you thought you'd die... or ran for the duration of the rest of that song just because you liked it so much.  Running is a personal victory when you come out on top.  That's why these ladies can feel sooo excited after running 1 mile, and who cares about the neighbor who ran 22 miles that morning.  It doesn't matter.  We're all in our own running world and it doesn't do us any good to compare us to other people.  This is what I'm telling myself, anyway. :)  

So I really have no good excuse to NOT be a runner right now.  The leaf has turned over.  I'm ready to run.  I am determined to wake up tomorrow morning and be EXCITED to run!  (And by "running" we all know that really means jogging, but it's cooler to say running).

Anyway,  I'm going to do a better job of being honest via blog communications and keep me focused and motivated.  It's 11:15pm and I just brushed my teeth to prevent me from eating any more junk food.  Take that, taste buds.