Pregnancy & Marriage

My younger sister, Heather,  has about 2 more weeks left of a long and difficult pregnancy.  She has endured pretty much any kind of physical miserable situation you could imagine, and is still kickin'.  I admire this girl greatly and don't envy her at all for the pain and discomfort she has been in.  I'll have some wild stories to share with her little baby girl once she's old enough to understand.  But I'm thinking this girl will be a feisty little fire-cracker and her  personality will match the kind of pregnancy she provided. :)  Having said that, I'm anxious and excited for Heather to have her second baby soon!

The other night I was praying for Heather.  Praying for her to feel at peace and to be "comfortable", if that was even possible.  Then I started thinking about my older sister, Brittney, who recently told us she is pregnant with her 4th baby.  Exciting!  And I thought of Nathan's wife, Allison, who gave birth to their first child in January and I'm sure they'll bust out another little baby sooner than later. :)

I love all these girls so much.  Pure family love and admiration for their roles as mothers.  It was kind of an overwhelming feeling I had never experienced before-- the weight of not only carrying a child through 9 months of being pregnant, but then taking on the responsibility of raising them to be good, smart, kind, and responsible adults. I've never experienced anything like that... and I don't know if I ever will.  I've never been the kind of girl to "day dream" about my wedding dress, engagement ring, wedding colors, or invitations.  I just have a hard time totally dreaming about the future like that, when in the present... it seems so far of and unattainable.  As you might have noticed in my past "dating posts"... before I dream about weddings and all that, I'm trying to learn how to have a dumb boyfriend.  First things first, and I'm just not getting very far.  So I think somewhere in my prayer, I mentioned that if I'm never going to be a mother myself, I am grateful for my little nieces and nephews-- that I get to interact with them and influence them and have tons of fun with them.  It warms my heart.  And makes me a little emotional.

As for marriage, I have no idea what will come.  I'm not giving up at 31-- I'm just being real with myself.  I have no idea what to expect.  When I was at a zone conference activity once on my mission, we were talking with my mission President and his wife about marriage and all that, and someone brought up how many ladies in their older years (example: Kristin Oaks) who have never married before... suddenly end up marrying an apostle!  Like those apostles whose wives have died and they want to re-marry.  I told them I didn't want to sign up for that.  Not only for the long wait of it, but also the pressure of being married to an apostle.  That's intense.  My mission President responded:  "Oh no, Sister Toone... you won't have to worry"... and I don't know what else he said, but he was making the point that he doubted I would have to wait long to find my husband.  I didn't take it as any kind of revelation or anything, and I'm not disappointed that I'm still single.  Granted, it's technically only been about 3 years since coming home from my mission, so I guess there's still "plenty of time."  :)  But I would just rather know up front if it's going to happen at all.  Then I can embrace my 40's and go wild with life.  Haha.  I don't want to just linger in the "waiting" period... not that I'd do that anyway, because it's not how I am... but it's just one giant mystery that I will never know the answer to-- until it appears out of no where.

So I was thinking about the teens I work with and how much I love them and cherish the role I get to play in their lives.  To some I'm a mother;  To some I'm a disciplinarian;  To some I'm a cheerleader; To some I'm a teacher;  To some I'm a counselor;  To some I'm a best friend;  To some I'm a sister;  To some I might even be that person they don't like but should respect anyway. Ha.  And I think these are all different roles women get to play as mothers.  For that reason, I really love the job I have, working with youth.  I love enabling them to have experiences at the Boys & Girls Club, and outside of the Club, that their own parents can't provide otherwise.  I love being that friendly face willing to do anything to make them smile or laugh.  I really just love them, and I wish so much I could blog about them every day and include pics and all that.  But alas... those are boundaries I can't cross in my job.  So I hold all the memories and pictures in my mind-- but just know that I adore the opportunity to work with these kids.  Even on the crappy days.

To all you mothers out there...  I love you.  I don't feel angry or bitter or jealous that I can't be you right now. I just totally respect what you're doing and know you have an amazing purpose on the earth right now.  And to ladies who are married but don't have any children yet-- for whatever reason that may be-- we're all waiting for something in life, right?  We all don't know the whole picture, but I have faith that Heavenly Father does, and things will happen according to His timeline.  We just have to keep pressing forward and the blessings will roll forth when the time is right.

And to my mom and sisters-- as crazy and quirky and sarcastic and weird as I may be sometimes... I'm really a sensitive flower and I love and appreciate all that you are in my life.    :)