All or Nothing

My mom said something the other day that really stuck with me.  I've heard the term before but this time it really made sense.  All or Nothing.  I was telling my mom about my eating habits and how I'd just finished off a bag of mini donuts (personal weakness) and how I'd been sick for 2 weeks and the last thing I was worried about was eating healthy.  So bring on the cookies, frozen yogurt, cake, and brownies!  I'm sick and I'll eat whatever I want!  Of course, in this same conversation, I was complaining about my lack of running these days and how I need to get back on track.  I'm really a messed up, confused little person.  But that's when my mom said it:  "You seem to be an All or Nothing person."  Either I'm totally motivated and doing awesome with healthy goals... or I make one little mistake or eat one little treat and then I'm bulldozing piles of junk into my  body.  She didn't use those exact words to describe it, but those are my own.  And they're true.  :)  WHY are they so true... and HOW do I allow them to be true?!

I can go a whole day at work and be super disciplined and motivated to be healthy.  Maybe I went running that morning and had a healthy breakfast.  Then I carefully planned out my day of snacks and healthy lunch and dinner.  Then I get home from work around 8pm and BOOOOOM!!! I'm so hungry I lose all sense of control and eat everything that looks or sounds good to me.  And by midnight I'm thinking, "Crap, why did I do that... what a waste of a good day!"  And the cycle continues day after day, until finally I just wake up one day and think-- what's the point?-- and eat crap all day long just because.  And it's like a sense of rebelling against myself.  Oh yeah?  You don't think you'll eat that donut right there?  Watch me.  And mmmmm... it tastes SO good.  I might even eat another one.  And don't even ask me about trips to Red Mango, or the BYU mint brownies I attacked today.

And all this time, have I been running?  Hardly.  In the last 3 weeks I've gone running 3 times.  Probably a total of 11 miles, and that is a terrible confession.  Last year at this time (my Birthday) I asked for all running things-- bandannas, running socks, running shirts, etc.  I was totally on fire!  I was motivated and excited.  And I really WAS a runner.  Now when the topic of running comes up, I feel like a hypocrite, or like I'm faking it, or don't deserve to call myself a runner.  I know that's silly-- I can be a runner if I want to, even if I'm not running consistently.  I still like it!  I still WANT to do it.  I'm just terrible at staying motivated this year. I really DO seem to be All or Nothing.

But I'm ready for all of that to change.  Call it turning over a new leaf.  

I've been inspired by people who probably have no idea they've inspired me!

Case #1-- A friend who originally motivated me a year ago after I'd heard about her weight loss and her motivation to walk/run and stay on track with her goals.  It was awesome, and that's when I decided last year to make my own goals and be able to accomplish great things in 2010.  I did.  And I felt awesome.  This same friend kind of fell into her own slump but then somehow I became an inspiration for her and she's back in the game now.  She decided to join my Red Rock Relay team for St. George (in September) and she has been training and doing things at her own pace.  She started as a "non-runner" and now can totally celebrate her ability to run 1.5-2 miles without stopping, and I love her enthusiasm!  It's inspiring.  And she makes me want to be better.

Case #2-- Just tonight, my aunt reminded me of last summer when I'd told her about the "Couch to 5K" running program.  She said she hadn't actually used it, but she'd started running in the last few months.  She's also joined weight watchers and does her workouts with her husband, which she loves.  She's lost 25 lbs and has worked up the ability to run 1.5 miles.  Her goal is to run a 5K in May.  I know she can do it!

I LOVE these stories!!  And I love that people feel the need to tell me, since I might have been their original seed of inspiration.  And look at me now!  A big pile of laziness.  But the good thing is now THESE people are the ones motivating me.

What I realized tonight is that running is so great because it really is one big individual competition.  Sure, you can enter a race and run along side hundreds of other people to try to get first place.  But more commonly, and more importantly, you're really just racing against yourself and proving yourself wrong.  You prove to yourself that you can actually get up the next morning and run when you really didn't feel like it.  Or you ran 2 more minutes than you thought you could... or ran one more lap when you thought you'd die... or ran for the duration of the rest of that song just because you liked it so much.  Running is a personal victory when you come out on top.  That's why these ladies can feel sooo excited after running 1 mile, and who cares about the neighbor who ran 22 miles that morning.  It doesn't matter.  We're all in our own running world and it doesn't do us any good to compare us to other people.  This is what I'm telling myself, anyway. :)  

So I really have no good excuse to NOT be a runner right now.  The leaf has turned over.  I'm ready to run.  I am determined to wake up tomorrow morning and be EXCITED to run!  (And by "running" we all know that really means jogging, but it's cooler to say running).

Anyway,  I'm going to do a better job of being honest via blog communications and keep me focused and motivated.  It's 11:15pm and I just brushed my teeth to prevent me from eating any more junk food.  Take that, taste buds. 

Boys are Wimps

I'm not saying I'm like the coolest person out there... but don't you think boys would see a girl like this and think, "Wow, she looks fun!"... and want to get to know me better?  I don't even care about the "Wow she's hot" comment because boys don't say that about me.  I'm usually more on the "cute" side which is fine... but I'm not the kind of girl that turns heads as I walk by.  I just don't. :)  But what about my sparkling personality and fun-loving nature and enthusiastic energy for life?!  I look at this picture and think, "Hey, I'm totally happy right there."  And for some reason it just shows.  And I want a boy to know that side of me-- the adventurous, happy, playful, sensitive, nerdy side.  But not many do.

I was sitting next to a boy at church today in Sunday School.  I know he's 30 and I think he's cute.  In my head I thought, "I wonder why this guy never acknowledges my presence."  He was using a fancy iPad to read scriptures so I made a comment about it and our quick convo lasted 3 seconds.  And that was it.  A big, booming realization:

Boys don't talk to me at church.  Boys don't flirt with me at church.  Boys don't go out of their way to know me.  AND LET ME MAKE THIS DISCLAIMER:  This is not at all a pity-party-woa-is-me kind of blog post.  It's a matter-of-fact epiphany that became very clear today.  So i'm writing about it. :)  

Reasons why a boy might not talk to me at church:

I'm too old.

They don't like the short hair.

I'm the Relief Society President.

I'm "intimidating."

I'm too busy.

I don't dress trendy.

I'm just plain not attractive.

My personality is lame.

Well, I could go on and on, but that would be ridiculous, because I could give boys every excuse in the book as to why they're lame, but that just diminishes the light of who I really am!  What, you don't like short hair?  Too bad.  What, you think just because of my calling I'm a goody goody and won't accept you and your faults?  Guess what-- this girl is NOT perfect.  What, you think I'm too old? Seriously, have you ever hung out with me before?  I'm like 12.  So really-- it's their loss, for making quick judgments and decisions and missing out on this one.

Maybe part of the reason I was thinking about all of this at church today is because I have ONE more week left in a singles ward.  Ever.  And I was wondering if I would miss it.  Let me tell you what I'll miss:  All the wonderful people who make me feel like I'm something special.  A friend who leans over and tells me she loves my tiny fingers (haha), and then compliments my freckles.  I love the wives of the bishopric who supported me in my calling and reassured me and told me I was doing a great job.  I love the men (grown-up men) in the bishopric who were kind and honorable and so fun to work with.  I love the number of girls who come up to give me a hug, just because.  Or the girls who tell me I'm amazing and I've set a good example for them.  I love the moments of making eye contact with random people across the room and smiling or making faces in the middle of a lesson.  I love the people who put an arm around my shoulder and thank me for sharing my testimony.  Yes-- these are the people I love.  And these are the people that help me love myself.

So to all the boys out there... good luck with your lady hunt.  And to the girls out there... you're the best.

And to myself... Keep doing your thing, girlfriend.

Restless

This is Me.  It's been 7 days.

You would think that a weekend of doing absolutely nothing and then 3 more days home from work would be super relaxing and actually kind of exciting.  Wrong!  I'm losing my mind.  My head is pounding and that makes me want to do absolutely nothing.  Reading, watching TV, watching movies, computer stuff (minus this blog moment) and everything else just makes my head hurt.  I even took a short shopping trip last night and that sent me into unstoppable shivers and cold sweats that lasted for 4 hours when I got home.  Bad idea.

So here's a list of what I've been doing in the last many days... just to give you a peek into my boring life:

THURSDAY

Had a killer sore throat.  Left work early to go to the doctor.  Tested negative for Strep.  Aarrrrgh.  Was told to use throat drops and Ibuprofen-- THANKS doc.  Watched "Fair Game" from Redbox-- If you're into government stuff you'll like it. Cass picked it out-- haha.

FRIDAY

Went to a work conference and came home around 4pm.  Couldn't really talk, couldn't really swallow, and throat was ON FIRE. Home Teachers came over to give me a blessing-- grateful I actually have home teachers that exist right now.  Watched the "Ramona & Beezus" movie from Redbox-- loved it.  I don't even remember the rest of that night.  I was caved up in my bedroom.

SATURDAY

It snowed that morning.  I stayed in my bed most of the day.  Coughed like crazy and couldn't swallow.  Attempted a few cayenne pepper gargles (don't remind me--Eeckkkk).  Watched "Unstoppable" from Redbox-- really liked it.

SUNDAY

Told Cassity I wasn't going to church.  I only have 3 more weeks in the Singles Ward... I felt bad... so I got ready and went with her.  Coughed the whole time-- felt miserable.  Slept a lot at home.  Watched the "Waiting for Superman" educational documentary.  Ate scrambled eggs and cream of wheat, which was a huge accomplishment.  Was pretty much not talking at all by that point-- throat hurt too bad.  Cass was bored.  :)  Watched "Chronicles of Narnia"... had a fever that night and was really sweaty.

MONDAY

Woke up and felt like crap.  Told my boss I wouldn't make it to work.  Slept longer.  Coughed a lot. Felt nauseous.  Went to the doctor-- tested negative for Strep again.  Found out I had something similar to bronchitis and walking pneumonia so I got a prescription for an antibiotic.  Felt somewhat better afterwards and could swallow... SUPER hungry.  Went to Arby's on the way home and scarfed down my food.  Got 2 more Redbox movies: "Dinner for Schmucks" (wouldn't watch it again) and "Knight & Day" (entertaining but lasted forever).  After watching those movies I had the worst headache and didn't want to even look at another Redbox.  Nauseous.  Pounding headache.  Coughing.  But at least I could swallow.  Watched "He's Just Not That Into You."  Terrible night's sleep.

TUESDAY

No work again. Fever. Coughing.  Headaches.  Nausea.  OH-- AND I STARTED MY PERIOD.  Seriously?!  Was it possible to add ANY more discomfort than I already had piled on me?!?!?  Yep, apparently I had room for a little more pain.  Restless and bored and refused to turn on the TV because the noise made my headache worse.  I did the dishes; cleaned the kitchen; cleaned the bathroom; organized and cleaned my room; did my laundry; opened the windows to air out the apt; took out the garbage; organized all our DVD's according to "chick flick, drama, action, comedy, church, or kid movie".  Finally decided to go to Target to buy more organizing things for my room-- they didn't have what I needed.  Continued on to JC Penny to accompany Cassity on her shopping spree.  I was also looking for a new shirt for my interview the next day.  Tried on lots of clothes.  Found a shirt.  Cass found lots of clothes.  On the way home I suddenly got really sick... sicker, I should say.  Cold body chills and couldn't stop shivering-- thought I was going to throw up. Immediately got in my bed, with heated mattress cover, all blankets on, hoodie with hood over my head, heated blanket on top of all the blankets, and still shivered non-stop for over an hour.

***Luckily I had read an e-mail from my dad that suggested I get a Priesthood blessing before my interview, to clear my mind and give me physical strength.  Good idea Dad!  I asked my brother, who I adore, and he said he'd come right over.  Waiting for him seemed to last forever.  I felt sooo sick, wanted to throw-up, and couldn't stop shivering.  Cass brought me hot apple cider and I had a few sips but it didn't help the nausea.  Finally Nathan came and I was curled up in the fetal position facing the wall, under all the blankets.  I never moved or turned over while he was in my room-- mainly because I felt so miserable and couldn't handle moving.  But he was a gem and so sweet.  He talked for a while and shared a few MTC type stories to set the tone for the spirit. He made a few jokes here and there and was his cute little self-- it's too bad I couldn't reciprocate the nice feelings.  He made a little pathway to my bed (among my barf bowl, bag to cough mucus into, kleenex, humidifier, water bottle, etc.) and gave me a beautiful blessing.  Wow has this boy grown in the gospel!  I felt the power of his priesthood and really tried hard to concentrate on the message Heavenly Father wanted me to hear.  It was wonderful and a lot of his phrases stuck with me.  I thanked him, gave him a weak, limp handshake, and he left.***

I shivered for 2 more hours and tried to even force myself to throw up by dry heaving and trying to trick my body into the motion of it.  Nope.  Nothing.  Back to bed.  I dozed off and woke up around mid-night, still nauseous but not as bad.  I finally kept having thoughts to turn over onto my stomach  (I'd like to think those were little spiritual promptings) and finally I obeyed.  I never sleep on my stomach, but laying in that position made me feel so much better.   Even still, it took me about 2 more hours to fall asleep, after getting up a few more times to go to the bathroom.  WORST-NIGHT-EVER!

WEDNESDAY

I woke up around 8:15am and miraculously felt a whole lot better.  Still queasy, but not on my death bed.  I was able to get ready and actually make it on time to my interview on time (45 minutes away).  Did my best in the interview (although I wish I could change all of my answers now) and they knew I wasn't feeling good.  My boss asked if I was going home.  I told him I was planning on trying to go to work today.  He said I should take another day at home so I could be strong and good tomorrow.  Hmm.. okay. So I went home.

ANOTHER day at home.  BORING.  Headaches galore.  Coughing. 

P.S.  The side effects of the antibiotic are: upset stomach, diarrhea, abdominal pain.  COOL.  Thanks doc.

I went to Wal-Mart on my way home from the interview and got the organizing things I wanted for my room.  Also picked up a Jamba Juice Cold Buster and got one for Cassity too.  Took Sadie for a walk.  Risked a $30 fine and let her play in the fenced in playground area because it was such a nice day.  Layed on the couch the rest of the day.  Watched "Miss Congeniality" 1 & 2... and the end of American Idol-- not really impressed.  

Now here I sit.  It's been nearly a week of feeling miserable and I'm dreading another night of wishing I could sleep but not being able to.  And I'm sooo tired.  And my head hurts.  And I HAVE to go to work tomorrow and actually be interactive and productive.  

I guess one good thing is it's SUPER windy outside right now and I kind of like it.

Cayenne Pepper & Other Terrible Things...

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I hate spices, herbs, and any "unnecessary flavoring", as I call it.  I never use pepper.  I only ever use salt to sprinkle across eggs.  I always ask for my fries at a restaurant to be unseasoned.  I brush off the salt on a salted pretzel.  Basically... I'm perfectly content eating food as it is and don't ever find use for any spices or other flavorings.  I'm a wimp when it comes to Mexican food and can barely handle mild salsa.  Most salsas at restaurants are too hot and I just eat the chips-- and brush off the salt if there's too much of it.  

So you can imagine my desperation when I tried the CAYENNE PEPPER gargle with water, simply to cure a sore throat!  You see it everywhere on the internet-- the miracle remedy that brings comfort within 1-2 hours.  I had been suffering for days and was willing to try ANYTHING on a miserable Saturday afternoon.  I coated my lips with chap-stick.  Then Vaseline.  (As they suggested on the website).  Then I added a teaspoon of ground cayenne pepper to a mug of hot water.  Then you just take a sip at a time, gargle, keep stirring, and continue the process until the mug is empty. 

It was absolutely disgusting.  After each gargling action, I was half spitting it out, half gagging, and half dry heaving over the sink.  My dog sat there watching me, looking totally concerned.  I continued the nasty  gargle, lips burning inside and out, and added a little more water towards the bottom of the mug because it was SOOO concentrated with the pepper.  Painful.  Gross.  Stupid.  I really can't say it made a huge difference.

There was also a recipe for a SOUP with cayenne pepper, and this one you drank so the pepper would burn your throat and kill the little germs all the way down.  Why on earth would I ever think THAT was a good idea?  Like I said, I was desperate for relief.  It called for a can of tomato soup, can of water, teaspoon of cayenne pepper, garlic (I used garlic powder since that's all we had), and a splash of lemon, but I didn't have that either.  So basically a super spicy tomato soup.  I took a sip of just the regular tomato soup pre-pepper, and that, alone, burned so intensely.  At this point, after 3 days of hurting, it was so painful to swallow, I couldn't talk, and could barely drink enough water to get down Ibuprofen.  So regardless of the flavor of the soup, swallowing was just difficult.  

I filled up a mug of the death soup and took it in to the bathroom, fully prepared to throw-up if it came to that.  I took one big swallow and realized I'd forgotten to coat my lips with Vaseline. BURNING!  ALREADY BURNING!  So I lathered up my lips in an exaggerated way, and drank the soup as fast as I could.  Big gulps and only stopping to breathe a few times in between.  When it came down to the last gulp, my eyes were burning, I was coughing, and my lips were completely burning.  I started half-whimpering, half-crying, and felt completely helpless as to how to minimize the pain.  I couldn't drink milk because that would defeat the purpose of drinking the soup.  So I shut down.  I crawled into my bed, curled up in a little ball, and tried to welcome sleep quickly so I could escape my personal burning Hell.  Luckily I did end up taking a little nap, and the burning was gone when I woke up.  But the stupid SORE THROAT was still there!  Argh!!!  After so much pain and nastiness.  Nothing!  What about that 1-2 hour relief plan?!  So mad. So frustrated.  

I've included a collection of pictures of ALL the things I've tried in the past 4 days.  It all started with a dry, sharp, killer sore throat.  Add in an on-going cough, mucus, fever, body aches, and nausea.  It's been an eventful weekend of experiments:

***

(Priesthood Blessing)

***

(This is Cassity's humidifier-- haha)

Today I woke up with a fever, completely soaked in sweat.  Although the swallowing issue has somewhat improved, the fever has remained throughout the day and my body aches.  I still cough big, deep coughs that burn my throat and rarely produce any kind of progress.  I didn't really talk for the past 2 days-- my throat was too dry and it hurt-- but now I can kind of talk in short snippets.  I look like death and feel like it too. :)

I've never been so sick before.  Granted, my body has a weak immune system and I have a hard time fighting off even a basic cold, but this has really rocked me.  According to the doctor on Thursday, I didn't have Strep Throat.  I'm considering going to the doctor again on Monday to see if I've developed anything else, because this seems more than just a virus.  Maybe it will be a waste of $30 again, but it won't hurt to try, right?

Cassity has been one heck of a roommate and it will be a miracle if she doesn't get sick, with all my germs hovering in the apartment.  Crossing my fingers that she won't... and praying that I will get better soon!

I Wish I Had Strep Throat

I just spent $30 at the doctor to test for Strep Throat.  

The test came back negative.

Do you know what that means?

I wasted $30.  

And I'm still miserable.

That's when the doctor says, "I wish there was something I could do for you, but it's just a virus."

aka: You'll feel like crap for a while and I can't tell you how long that will be.  Good luck.

My throat feels like this:

Usually I'll get a little sore throat prior to a cold, and it hurts to swallow or something.

This sore throat just burns all the time.

It hurts to swallow.

It hurts to cough.

It hurts to talk.

It hurts to exist.

It's just a virus.

BOO.

As if it can't get any worse... it does.  These are my plans for the weekend:

Saturday morning:  Run a 10K race that I paid and registered for 3 months ago!

Saturday Evening:  Sing and play my guitar at a friends wedding reception!

If I'm feeling anything like I do now, I'm not going to be doing anything on Saturday, and that's frustrating.

By the way, remember how I'm supposed to be running a relay in May AND June?

I am no where NEAR ready or even semi-close to getting in shape.  This only makes it worse.

How's that for a happy Thursday post?

In the mean time, I'm so thankful for

It makes everything better.

Job Opportunity

I've submitted a "letter of interest" for an open position at the Boys & Girls Club in Murray.  It is for the Unit Director, which is a level above my current position.  The head hancho over-seeing 4 directors and their programs.  My boss has told me many times that I have great potential and I'm ready to be a Unit Director.  And he suggested I really go for this one.  Here are the pro's and con's:

Pro's:
It's a significant pay increase from my minimal paychecks now.
Work day (I think) is more like 9-5, so I can be home in the evenings.
An office away from screaming teens and backbacks and coats everywhere.
Greater leadership position and opportunities to teach, train, and guide.
More involvement with Director of Operations, board members, community partners, and CEO.
An opportunity to grow and not become stagnant and lazy.

Con's:
I love the Midvale Club.  I love the teens.  I love the staff.  I love my boss.
It's a 10 min. drive further than what I drive now.
"Normal" work day means I actually have to wake up in the morning and not be a night owl.
Less play time and more work time.
Murray club also is the corporate office so my superiors would be very present and close.  Yikes.
I don't like the Murray building as much as Midvale.  :)
More responsibilities regarding grants, budgets, staff issues, hiring/firing, parent issues, etc.

Every time I think of the con's, I end up asking myself why I even want this job?  I'm torn in half.  But after spending some time in the temple last night, the common theme of my thoughts was I need to grow-- I need to challenge myself-- and I need to not be a wimp. :)  I've had decades of play time at work... now maybe I need to buckle down and bit the bullet.  And Midvale and Murray are like "brother/sister" clubs and we share the same board and higher-up administration people.  We're one organization (South Valley) so I already know the staff and a lot of the kids over there.  And we have combined staff meetings and trainings and what not.

But I don't even know if I have the job.  Or if I even get an interview!  I sent my letter of interest last night and felt good about it.  This morning I recevied a very formal response:  "Thank you.  I have received your letter.  It will be screened to see if it meets the qualifying criteria.  If so, a request for a resume will be sent and an interview scheduled."  Boo.  Boring!  What?  My letter will be "screened" to see if it meets the criteria?  This guy has seen me in action for 2 years and he knows the quality of my teen program.  I hate it how people feel the need to be so formal some times.  But I guess that's the workplace, right?

So now I sit and wait.  And wonder how that lovely screening process is going.  If he comes back and rejects me based upon one letter... what a let-down.  But if I DO get the chance to send my resume and have an interview... then good, because it took a lot of guts for me to talk myself into doing this.  So there. :)  Wish me luck.

My Surprise Talent

We recently had a talent show for a ward activity.  In 2 weeks our current ward (group of young adults going to church together) is dissolving and combining with another group to create a larger ward in Orem.  (But I'm moving out of the Singles Wards altogether so it doesn't really affect me.)  So this was like our last "hoo-rah" together and it was one of my favorite activities to date.  Not to mention the catered J Dawgs dinner, which was a huge bonus!

Most people expected me to sing and play my guitar in the talent show.  I'm a Toone.  That's just what we do.  Music.  But a week before the talent show we had another function for the ladies and I sang and played my guitar for that.  So I figured that was enough of a "showcase" of my musical talents.  No need to stand up there in front of everyone again.  But I still wanted to participate in the Talent Show!

So I decided to do something different.  Spinning a basketball on my finger!  On any one of my fingers, actually, and other fun tricks.  I was inspired to learn how to do this when I was in like 7th grade.  A lady came to my school to do an assembly and she did all sorts of crazy things with basketballs... like she was balancing 10 and spinning them all at once.  I'm not that good.  But I think I'm still pretty good. :)  So here's the video to prove it!

Disclaimer:  I didn't do my best that night, which was kind of a let-down, but at least people could get the idea of what I like to do in my spare time. :)

...So if that's how people remember me as my name goes down in Singles Ward history... so be it!