I definitely don't feel relaxed right now. I'm so weighed down by hovering worries that will disappear in time, but at the moment they're overwhelming. This is a therapeutic attempt to identify what these exact worries are, so don't feel like you need to keep reading. But I'm an open book so here it is:
Red Rock Relay
I participated in this relay last year and totally loved it. A year ago I had no idea what the Red Rock Relay was, and had never heard of these big relay events. Nor did I even really like to run-- I was just forcing myself to run so I could do a half-marathon. My friend asked me to be on her team and I figured it was a good training tool before the half, so I did it. And I loved it. And I made some great friends and really had an awesome weekend.
4 months later (January), my new friend that I'd met on our Red Rock team suggested we put together our own team as
co-captains and do Red Rock again! It seemed so far away at the time, and so easy to organize and stay on top of things. So with the help of Cassity and her generosity, we "bought" our team early and got a free admission to the Red Rock Relay in Moab as well.
The Moab relay was in May-- just 6 of us-- and only lasted 1 day. It was perfect.
(Relay Review)
Then I ran in the Ragnar Wasatch Back relay in June, and that was a blast because I wasn't in charge and could just run and enjoy the scenery.
(Relay Review)
Well guess what folks. This whole deal of being "co-captains" for this team and working together to make things happen really turned into me carrying the load and figuring out all this crap on my own. My dear co-captain friend has been too busy and was out of the country for 3 weeks during the summer, in the heat of all the mega stress of team decisions, and now there is less than 2 weeks and this co-captain might have to back out all together because of school conflicts. Granted, by the time I post this, I may have already found out that my co-captain can run it after all. But even just the roller coaster of emotions and stress is exhausting, regardless of the outcome. We were short 4 runners a few weeks ago so I stressed over that, day and night, and now that we finally have our team together, vans rented, a place to stay the night before, and running portions of the relay assigned... I still feel stressed and overwhelmed. I'm so tired of this relay and I haven't even run it yet. :)
My friend Bekah is a captain of her own team and is experiencing the same stresses as well. It is common for one of us to text the other daily with the "I hate Red Rock" expression. The one good thing is Bekah and I are both in the first vans of our teams and we start at similar times, and we even run some of the same legs of the race. So amidst all of this chaos, I'm looking forward to possibly running at the same time as her-- anxious for some fun competition on the road. :)
So why am I doing this relay? Well, 9 months ago it sounded like a lot of fun. Right now it's just a huge stress case and I want it to be over. I'm responsible for 11 other people and you know how people get when they're hungry, tired, and sore. I just hope we survive the weekend. Cassity has been a huge help in getting things planned and organized for our team, so I'm grateful for that. Great "team manager."
The good thing is running is a stress release for me. So this week I've run more than usual. Partly to kind of train and get all geared up for the relay, and partly because I might explode if I don't run. Either way, the event takes place in St. George, UT Sept. 9-10 and life will be much more relaxing after that weekend.
Boys
Well, I think I've decided that things just aren't going anywhere with Soccer Boy, despite my lengthy attempt to find a connection between us. Just about 2 months isn't all that bad; 7 or 8 times hanging out in various settings with different people. My feelings have gone up and down, as you may have already read about, but I don't know if I ever really was "in like" with Soccer Boy. I liked the potential and I liked that I wasn't giving up. I liked that I was taking time to get to know him before initiating or allowing a kiss. But as time went on, I realized I didn't really want to kiss him, and didn't necessarily have huge desires to keep spending time with him. We never did go hold hands, kiss, or anything and I'm really glad it never went there. Because once you throw that stuff into the mix it gets all sorts of confusing.
I came to this realization last week when I attended my friend's wedding. I know how I want to feel when I'm dating someone. I've felt super giddy, happy, uplifted, impressed, and appreciated before. I know those feelings exist. And Soccer Boy is a nice guy but my heart was never connected to him in any way. As I watched my newly married friends it was somehow an opportunity for me to realize I didn't want to keep pursuing things with Soccer Boy and wanted to back off a little.
At the wedding reception I talked to a nice boy for a while and tried not to make a big deal about it. My friends asked me about him afterwards, of course, and they told me a little more about him and I thought, "Hmm... it would be cool to get to know him better." Well, as most love stories go these days, he sent me a Facebook message that next day. (haha) He basically was just saying hi, he was the guy from the reception, he got my name from the bride's mom, and maybe we could go hiking some time. Awesome. I didn't even have to FB stalk him myself. I was quite excited to read his surprise message, add him as a FB friend and of course browse through his small supply of FB pics. Long story short, after a few more messages exchanged and a brief phone call today... we have a hiking date set for this Saturday. Why am I including this story in my stress post?
Well last night, Soccer Boy asked if I wanted to come to his soccer game tonight in Salt Lake. I debated and almost said no (because I don't want to move further along with him) but decided maybe I needed to see him again just to confirm my feelings. So as I was driving to the game, Reception Boy called out of the blue. I thought, "Oh crap, this is weird" but we talked and it was pretty fun and we made our hiking date plans just as I arrived at the soccer field. So I saw the end of the game and was standing there awkwardly wishing it didn't look like I was Soccer Boy's girlfriend, because I don't want to be. (Isn't it weird how quickly my feelings changed over the past few weeks? Hmm.) Anyway, it was only 8:30pm and he asked if I had plans the rest of the evening. I wanted to say "Yes" but I didn't have any plans so I said "No" and he suggested we go home and make pancakes. I'm a sucker for breakfast foods sooo... I said yes. It made the rest of the evening stressful and complicated because I just really didn't feel like hanging out and even though he looked cute to me and was even wearing an ORANGE T-shirt... I just didn't feel anything. It came to the point where I asked if he wanted to play games (I'm a huge lover of games) but he declined and said maybe we could watch en episode of "30 Rock." I said my eyes were kind of tired and I wasn't really up for that... so... we just called it a night. I don't think I've ever done that before. Like, usually I'll just go along with it and sit through the 30 minute episode just because I would feel bad saying no. But tonight I didn't want to beat around the bush and pretend or ignore my true feelings. And that was it.
I think that might be the end of Soccer Boy. Maybe we'll still see each other from time to time, but I'm not texting him frequently or hoping for a daily text in return. I've kind of moved on since last week and feel okay about everything.
And these feelings really have nothing to do with Reception Boy, but it was coincidental timing when I met him at the tail end of my Soccer Boy experience. I think Reception Boy is much younger than me-- I just don't know HOW much younger and I'm afraid to know. I'm 31 so.... anything younger than 25 seems super young (like they wouldn't want to date me when I'm so much older)... but I'd be willing to even go out with someone as young as 23. Anything below that is just a kid. :)
I'll keep you posted on the hike. And just so you know, I sweat like a beast so this first date will be interesting. Don't tell me not to wear the bandanna... because you better believe I WILL wear it.
Money
I will never be rich. That is the path I chose when I decided to major in Recreation Management and Youth Leadership. I loved my classes @ BYU and really learned a lot of things that apply not only to my current job, but just life in general. My job is rewarding and I love working with youth. I love the flexibility of my career and I love wearing T-shirts and jeans everyday. But I don't love living from paycheck to paycheck at 31 and having nothing to show for the past decade of full-time jobs. I have other friends who are single and my age who have thousands of dollars in savings and have purchased some amazing things or traveled to various parts of the world. I still have never been out of the country, and all I own are my clothes, guitars, bike, and car. I don't own a piece of furniture and hardly anything worth saving in the kitchen. (Although I will totally claim my Pampered Chef cookie dough scooper because that thing is the bomb). I'm not complaining about the things I do have-- granted, there are a lot of people out there who don't have a car and don't have more than one pair of shoes. For that, I am very grateful and know I am blessed to have the things I enjoy and even a nice place to live. It's just stressful and frustrating not feeling more established at my ripe old age.
I created a budget for myself and felt quite proud of the way I was using self-control this past week of not going out to eat or making that additional trip to Wal-Mart. And even still... I'm worse off today than I was a few weeks ago and my budget attempt was almost a waste of time. But I won't give up and will keep tweaking it and hopefully things will all get in line.
Conclusion:
I'll stop signing up for these relays because they stress me out and eat up a lot of money I don't have. As for the boys... I'm still clueless.
